The Struggle

To the one or two people who actually read these things.

Sorry I have been so off the planet lately. 

This year hasn't really gone to plan for me so far, to say the least.

2013 is shaping up to be a real motherfucker, if I'm honest.

But I am determined to stay positive.

We have relocated to Northern NSW- a little town called Evans Head, where I grew up.

When we first moved here it rained/stormed/was generally shitty weather, for an entire 3 weeks.

We couldnt do laundry, we couldnt go outside.  And in a little coastal town, where there is little to do when you are unemployed except go for walks along the beach etc- we were getting a little stir crazy.

Then my pops had a stroke. He was in hospital for 3 days before he passed away.

The family I had always thought was pretty tight knit, is now no longer so close.

Its sort of split down the middle.  We haven't been greiving as a family unit. We've been talking about it each other, but not to eachother. I think Pop would be pretty dissapointed with the way this  has torn us all apart, rather than brought us together.

I went on tour with a buddy that didnt work out, and we had to come home early, costing me time and money I didn't have. 

I've put on weight, because I couldnt afford to sign  up for another season of 12wbt because I've been so broke- and although I learned enough in the past season to continue the work without actually doing the program, I have caved to my normal emotional eating and not prioritising my fitness. I'm dissapointed with myself, and its hard getting myself out of the rutt to get back on the horse when there's so much other crap going on.

It's been near impossible to find work down here, which is putting strain on just about everything, and on top of all that, I'm living with my folks again. Which is just hard.

Last night I ate so much for dinner I kept waking up uncomfortable from how full and horrible my stomach felt.

When I woke up this morning I decided this all has to stop.

So that's why I'm posting this entry. I'm acknowledging the shit stuff. And then I'm moving on.

Because the struggle is part of the story. 

I am making a concerted effort to turn things around from today.

I've worked too hard for too long to let a few shitty months take me back to the miserable place I used to be in.

 

I am making the rest of 2013 my bitch.

 

Planking

The above sums up my sentiments exactly re: last weeks Super Saturday Session, aptly named 'Pathway to Hell & Back'.

I actually thought I might puke at one point. Somewhere in the middle of those three crazy cardio circuits!

                                Two days later, and my calf muscles are still in knots from all that jumping.

Sheesh!

But I finished it- it took me AGES, but I did it.

And you know what they say- no matter how slow you're going, you're still lapping those sitting on the couch!

So, I've been a bit tired and grumbly this morning. Monday and I have some history.

In fact, I think I've been a bit slumped and lethargic for a couple of days now. It's weird how that happens.

But here is a song I came across this morning that helped me to remember that happiness, and positiveness aren't that far away.  Sometimes you just need to ask yourself.." Are you done moping around yet?..Are you ready now, to be happy?"

You can make a positive decision to not let your Mondayitis, or your rutt get you down, or talk you our of your work out, or out of your food plan for the day. It's a Clare Bowditch tune from her amazing new album 'The Winter I Chose Happiness". This album is transformational. If you haven't already- get into it! Clare is an incredibly inspiring woman and I want her to be my girlfriend :)

Enjoy xx

bRee

Private Party

 Today's message

And aint it a good one?! 

This quote really spoke to me this morning.

It's gross and rainy outside. I am so tired I feel like my eyes are hanging out of my head.  I'm pretty stressed at the moment with the anticipation of leaving my current well-paid, cushy job and taking a huge leap of faith and start playing music professionally. Needless to say, my head's not in the game today. Going to the gym today is not very high on my list of "things I want to do". Today is one of those days I need a JFDI cap, like Mish!

But I'll go.  Because persistence is key.

I'll go because at the end of every work out, I know I am closer to that version of myself I have wanted to meet for so long. The healthier, happier version. The confident, proud and exuberant person I know myself to be on the inside. Each time I work out, it feels like that sheen of sweat that develops on my body- thats the new me coming out.

It feels good.

One of the virtues I'm learning with the 12wbt is not just persistence- but patience, patience with myself, and patience with seeing results.

I have to try SO hard to NOT get on the scales EVERY morning.  Because I'm excited about my body changing, and because I see it, and I feel it, and I want there to be concrete evidence of it right away- either on the numbers on the scales, or someone noticing I'm looking more toned etc.

I'll admit. Patience is something I've probably always struggled with. My folks reckon it's a Gen Y thing. We're all about immediate gratification. We rarely have to wait for things anymore.  We're constantly bombarded my quick fixes to everything- especially weight loss (as if any kind of quick-fix to weight loss has ever truly worked for anyone).  I want to see results quicker! I want smaller sizes already! I feel amazing- like a new person, how come I still kind of look the same!?

But what I'm learning is this: If I allow myself to jump on the scales every morning, I am training my brain to think that the numbers on the scales matter the most. 

They don't.

It's how I feel that matters.

So lately, instead of jumping on the scales every morning before I shower, I've been stripping off and appreciating my body in the mirror. Taking it all in. How I feel. How I look. Appreciating the changes as they happen slowly, and thanking my body for working hard with me. We're in this together. Me and my body. We're a team!

The soundtrack to this blog is a song by India Arie called "Private Party". I've linked it here for you.

Have a listen and a bit of a dance ;)

♥ Happy Friday ♥

x bRee



Bless me father for I have sinned..

It's been two years since my last entry.....

TWO YEARS.

In an effort to get you up to speed, here's what's happened in my life in the last couple years:

* I met an amazing inspiring and supportive human being and fell in love and we have lived together in a committed relationship for over 2 years.
* I finished my law degree and graduated
*I got a job as Litigation Support Officer in Crime at Legal Aid
* I completed by practical legal training
* I was admitted as a Solicitor
* I got a pracicing certificate
* I have done my first appearances in courts
* I finally realised 'dieting' is not the answer to any of my problems, and committed to cooking healthier meals and exercising regularly. I've lost over 12 kgs and I feel happier and healthier than ever.
* I shaved my head to raise money for Cancer research.
* I made a decision to take a break from law now that I am admitted, and focus on my music full time.

...It's been a huge couple of years when I list it all out like that.

I am really proud of what i've achieved.

What surprises me most is that, over the past two years, I have developed an ability to hone in on, and really crystalize the areas of my life which needed work, and I have then worked on/will continue to work on those areas until I was/am satisfied and proud of what I have achieved.  For years I have been very airy fairy about the things that I want, and even more vague about how I might go about getting them. I kept my ideals and my goals vague to avoid the dissapointment of not fulfilling them. 

Something that has really complimented and helped with this, (which is also what has prompted me to start blogging again) is this: I signed up for the Michelle Bridges 12wbt.  Now, I am still a newbie. I've only been doing the program for a couple of weeks- but what it's taught me just in those couple of weeks has really concreted in me the core values I attribute to being successful in achieving my goals- not just weight/health related goals, but any goal that I set for myself.

Here are my mantras:

* I am young and reasonably healthy. I do not want to waste my youth or my health (both of which I will not have forever) feeling lethargic, unhappy and self concious.   This doesn't mean I am going to physically punish myself on a daily basis- but it does mean I am going to make a concerted effort to do something for my physical well-being everyday- and not only am I going to do that something- but I am going to marvel in and relish every day I can run, play, sweat and puff and have fun with all my functioning limbs and joints etc. I'm going to remember that I am lucky to have my body, and that it is a miracle, and that I must love and look after it.

* I am not perfect and I will most definitely have my off days- whether it be because I don't feel like exercising, or because I eat twice my calorie intake for a meal etc these days are going to happen.  And there is no sense in hating on myself or punishing myself over these days.  I am human after all, and there will be slip ups. Holding myself to an impossible standard is going to have a negative effect on me mentally- which in turn will effect my habits. What's important is that when I sense that I am having one of these days, I either just effing do it anyway ( and let the endorphines do their thing!) or I just focus on minimising any negative impact my 'blergh' feeling might have on my body.  Realistically, punishing myself and/or the added guilt of not working out will just make me feel more crappy. What's important is consistency. My body deserves that at the very least.


* Time to mind my inner monologue!
I think for me it's also important to do a bit of soul searching on those days I'm feeling rubbish and unmotivated, and make sure the reason I'm feeling crappy is not because my old negative self talk and self sabotage monologues are whispering in my ear again.  Whilst I've worked really hard recently to become my own personal cheerleader and convince myself that I deserve to feel healthy and happy- it's still really surprising how often I will hear that little voice in my head tell me things like "you're not built for this- you've always been overweight- it's just the way things are- this program/run/workout won't change that".
I liken this internal fight to an old cherokee legend I heard once where an old cherokee tells his grandson that "he sees a fight is going on inside of him ...it is a terrible fight between two wolves..one wolf if good, and does no harm, is kind and slow to anger, the other wolf is bad, quick tempered, jealous and full of negativity and anger" The grandson asks "which wolf will win?" and the old cherokee responds.."The one you feed." 
I think the first step toward whatever goal you're aiming for is beleiving that you can attain it, and you'll never do that if you don't STOP feeding that bad wolf/ that voice that tells you it's too hard, you're no good at it, it's easier not to try. You DO deserve it. You CAN do it.

Anywho....

Those are my little ditties getting me through the first couple weeks of the 12 WBT program, and also closer to my other personal goals I have set for myself for the coming months/years.

Below is a vague attempt at before and after shot- and I'd like to stress- I chose these photos based on my memory of how I felt at the time, not how I looked. 

You'll be hearing from me again soon,

Til then, be good to yourselves

bRee xxx

"So this is the new year....

...and I don't feel any different."- Death Cab For Cutie

What do you do when you get to a point in your life where you feel like- no matter how hopeful you were about the new year, it turned out just like every other, and you struggled just like every other year to reach countdown, grasping at it like it was your last breathe, your last chance- get me OUT of this godforsaken year!

Ok so maybe thats a LITTLE dramatic.. but kind of true, for me at least.

It seems year after year I manage to have got myself into some kind of funk that is so terribly deep and wide that it nearly consumes me, and that by the end of the year- the promise of a new one is the only thing that gets me through those last few weeks, days etc.

And as much as I hate drama, I live for it.
As much as I hate hurting, I love watching my resilience come to bear- almost like when the sun hits a stained glass window at just the right angle, and you can see for a moment- the whole, beautifully coloured picture.


But i've been thinking lately...
what happens if one year... i dont make it to countdown?

I don't want to get to the point where my today's end... and realise i was always living for tomorrow... (or midnight on the 31st of december for that matter!)

So THIS YEAR does not come with the hope of another one to save me from me last.

This year comes with no safety net of resolutions and scheduled epiphony.

This year rests solely in one word: Action.

TODAY.. i am making my TODAY count.

I am telling the people that i love, that I LOVE THEM and the reasons why.

I am saying what i'm thinking, when i think it. (yes, even more than i do already, beware kids)

I am getting off my ass and GOING FOR A RIDE OUTSIDE.

I'm starting assignments when I get them, and AIMING HIGHER than I have before.

I am getting my music OUT THERE... wherever that may be.

I am SAVING and I am TRAVELLING, to places I have not been before... even if it's only an hour or so from home.

I am LETTING GO of all the STUFF I have in my life.. and focusing on the people.


I'm cutting strings so that i can try and me someone who is lighter than I was...
so that i can breeze in and out of other peoples lives and maybe help them do the same.

I'm getting my tumbleweed on...


ACTION PEOPLE!
ACTION!

x bRee

Black out

So I dont write a lot of blogs.
In fact, i barely ever blog these days unless something really stirs me.

So here's something thats been on my mind lately...
Weird things have been happening to me of late.. Strange electronic malfunctions and technological errors.

It all started a few months ago now when I was polishing off a wicked assignment and my computer died.
Just made a weird noise and ceased to exist.
Poof.
Gone.

And though I paid some money, and got it wiped and fixed- ever since then- the rest of the machines and any other technology that I interact with started failing. Its as though my computer was the instigator of a complete electronic strike against Bree. Technology has officially decided it hates me...

When i went to hand that assignment in, the entire printing system for QUT failed. No one in the entire Queensland University of Technology could print anything, except one computer in printing services.
I'll be clever, i thought- and email it to someone at printing services and get them to print it off.

"QUT's email service is down".. "No one can receive or send emails at the moment. We dont know how long it will take to fix."

"Of course." I smile.


After finally finding a printer that worked, I hand in my assignment 5 minutes before the deadline.

I came home to jam with a friend and switched on the light bulb in my room. Bang! light bulb explodes and falls out of the ceiling.

This is not a work of fiction.

So I go on over to my mates house to hang out for a bit and upon entering her room, i reach for the light swith and.... you guess it. Blew her lightbulb too.

No. I am not making this up.

Weird coincidence you say?

Yeh i guess. Except that in the same week i counted 5 streetlights which failed as i walked underneath them.
FIVE OF THEM!
& they didnt just stop working either, they failed whilst was within a 5 meter radius of them and flickered back on when i walked away..

The mixing desk at one of my favorite venues to play, ceases to work most days I am there, and will only sometimes work - and when it does its always MY mic and MY guitar that takes approximately one hour to finally, grudgingly work.

I bought a car last week too.
Upon trying to register my car in New South Wales, I was faced with the information that, regrettably, something terrible has happened to the entire state wide computer systems for the RTA.
"The computers are all malfunctioning...this has never happened before- I'm really sorry."

"It's OK, You know, at this point it would suprise me if it DID work"

I broke mums kettle while I was at home last week too.
It doesn't automatically turn off anymore. It will just boil until the waters all gone.
I didnt drop it or anything either, it just stopped turning off after I used it when i first arrived at home.

The Go card machines were down this morning
and Queensland Transport's computer systems malfunctioned when they tried to verify my licence.


I have made none of this up.


My computer is about to run out of battery.

*sigh*

x bRee

MJ

Well.. it seems that i am getting slacker and slacker when it comes to updating this blog. I make no excuses.. i'm actually on holidays and have more time then ever. But for whats been going down in my life lately ( and i assure you.. i have had A LOT going on) ..i just dont have a lot of words, or energy to try and make the few people who read this blog understand.

I've been kind of sad and a little stressed out. First it was exams.. then it was my heart and someone who wasnt careful with it.. and there's still a lot of residual negativeness hanging around. Its incredibly smothering. I need something.. and i really have no idea what it is. I have a feeling it might be in its case in my room.. and may also need restringing..

I just finished watching the MJ memorial on tv.. and i thought to myself.. how am i going to explain to my kids one day how truly unique and legendary the man was? The countless hours i spent screaming his songs at the top of my lungs... trying to move like him. He played a huge role in my upbringing... alot of legendary musicians did.

If you didnt watch the memorial.. do yourself a favour and at least go watch John Mayer's tribute rendition of Mj's 'Human Nature.'

it's a beautiful thing.

i think i'll go to bed.
x